Reflections on Relationships

There is no greater joy and expression of love when two people meet and feel a strong connection and chemistry with one another. The two together in a relationship create a third experience. It is no longer about ‘you’ or ‘me’, the ‘we’ is created and the two of us create new experiences. Of course, as we know the so-called, ‘honeymoon’ phase is wonderful.

But soon things begin to change…you begin to create expectations of how the relationship should be, instead of going with the flow and growing along with the relationship. We start to measure whether this love is good enough, whether we are good enough, attractive enough, or smart enough! We start making rules about what is okay for us or not okay for us in the relationship…often based on past experience or what we believe we want in a relationship. How many of you have created a list of what you want in that ideal partner, and if they don’t measure up we make choices that perhaps don’t serve us.

Many of us have had beautiful experiences in relationships, where we continue to grow and learn about each other, and yes there are challenges, but we are willing to work together to understand what we need to do to stay together in the relationship.

Then there are those of us who have perceptions about our experiences in our relationships that can leave us with sadness, heartache, anxiety and depression. If you want to have the rich life and relationship you always dreamed of, but think is out of our reach…bottom line is it is up to you. Think of a time in your life, when you have learned from a mistake and have not repeated it or faced a challenge head-on and come out a champion. Ultimately, it all came down to the choice for the action (whether it took bravery or courage) you took to get there.

Relationships have the power to heal, and make us happy or miserable…As a woman, with 60 years of experience in many relationships, I am often fascinated by what I do and why I do it!  I consistently try to understand human behavior and how I/we as human beings operate in this world. I often ponder, when I am working with other men and women, or couples when they bring a problem or an issue about why their relationships are working for them, or not working for them…How deep are you prepared to go? To face the challenges, head on and transform yourself to have the best relationship you can have with this other person. We all bring our own view of the world to our relationships based on our own experiences.How do we learn from the challenges that relationships have provided? How do we have the quality relationships we truly desire? How do we stop operating in survival mode, stop clinging to our identities and our egos to be open to change and transformation?

Do you want to recapture, rekindle or deepen your love in an intimate relationship? Do you want to bring the love to that special one into your life, and create the relationship of your dreams?

I have been thinking about the relationship I had with my late husband, when I shared something from my heart and where I wanted something done, and what I got back was push back and reasons why, it couldn’t be done. Through my own frustration, what I realised was that I was trying to influence him through my model of the world…not his.

Now living for 10 years with this beautiful man, who had all manner of quirky behaviours (in my view). It was my own vulnerability and willingness to ask questions about my own behaviours to serve him and expect more of myself that made the difference. To BE who I needed to be in this relationship. I had to transform me. Not try and change him to conform to who I wanted him to be.

Within each of us there are infinite possibilities and choices we can make, and yes we all live with conditions and constraints in relationships with those we love. Our choices are very often influenced by our most important relationships and our relationships can define who we are – mother, wife, sister, employee, father, husband, son, brother, uncle and so on…As human beings we do not live in isolation to others.

All of us know what it is to have failed in relationships, been rejected, had difficulties with friendships, felt isolated, alone, alienated from others or separated from those we love. So we are in a relationship and we convince ourselves that we truly know and understand that person, until one day they appear different or change in some way. We then start to question…why I hadn’t I seen that before! He or She he has changed and I don’t even know this person!

But the case may be that, the other person has merely shown us an aspect of themselves that we had not incorporated into our view of the world. We begin to tell ourselves stories about who we are and what we need, and who other people are. These narratives or stories we tell ourselves are constructed from our own points of view and the way we see the world and our relationships. When other person doesn’t fit our story, we get angry, upset, frustrated and begin to question if we can remain in the relationship.

I believe relationships can be healed, it is choice that makes it so. “The human spirit has the capacity to triumph in the face of all kinds of adversity.”

As a practitioner, who studies human behaviour I work with women and men over 40 years of age who want to enhance their love map, get their love mojo back and have the relationships of their dreams.

You know it doesn’t matter how old you are or how many relationships you have had that have come and gone. Many of us want the permanent relationship and sense of belonging that comes from that one and only person in our life that we find fulfilment and happiness with. Even if you are single and like it that way, connection to others is vital.

There is no such thing as the ‘perfect’ relationship and we are delusional if we think there is. What matters is that we have to learn to take the good with the bad and deal with the messiness in our relationships. It is facing these challenges and dealing with the messiness that makes the difference and it is through navigating this path that may very lead to the growth, passion, fulfilling connection and joy that we desire.

There is no argument here from me…good relationships take work. So if you want to change a dysfunctional relationship to a functional one, we need to look beyond the problem – because the problem will always be the problem. We need to look at our core needs. We need to stop looking at what the other person needs to change and look at what we need to focus on to have the loving relationship we say we want.

There is a model that I often speak about in my groups – ‘Above the line and Below the line’ thinking.  So often when our needs are not being met we use below the line thinking to try and resolve the issue. Below the line thinking is blaming, complaining, nagging, making excuses, not taking responsibility for our behaviour. Above the line thinking is taking responsibility, having gratitude and being accountable for the results you are getting in your relationship. George Washington had a great quote, “Ninety-nine percent of failure comes from the people who have a habit of making excuses.” So if you want to move beyond the problem, stop blaming and making excuses. For every problem/event, there is a reaction whether we like it or not. This is a perpetual cycle. Event/Problem + Response/Reaction = Outcome.

Cloe Madanes (2009) aptly writes, “In every situation, we make three unconscious decisions: 1) What we focus on. 2) What it means to us. 3) What we should do to create the results we desire.” How often in a moment of challenging conversation do we try to defend our view or convince another that we are right and they are wrong, the only direction this is heading is argument, silence, shut down, frustration and hurt. So often we tend to repeat the same pattern and behaviours, even though we know they don’t work.  Just like bad habits, we keep doing them over and over until they become second nature, and we don’t even think about them we just do the behaviour. What we need to do is break the pattern! Loving actions and humour can break the pattern.

So how do we break the state and the pattern of living below the line in our relationships. Now there should be some agreement between you as to the appropriateness of these. Communicate, with one another as to what is okay. Sometimes going for a walk may be the best response, but other times making a joke (respectfully) or just giving a hug maybe a better response. Be creative together and talk about how you can remind one another without words to let the other person know they are doing a behaviour that is not resourceful to the relationship. Sometimes positive reinforcement also may work. If your partner thinks that you are their mother and you will pick up after them, give them a big hug and kiss when they remember to pick up after themselves. Don’t say a word.

“Creating love requires a decision on my part…above all, it requires rigorous honesty, the courage to let another see me as I really am…” (John Bradshaw, 1992).

Often people will seek out help when their relationships are not doing so well or they feel that they can’t seem to find a way to move forward. One of the first questions I ask couples is what it was that they loved about each other when they first met. Sometimes, in the ‘mire of misery, and unhappiness,’ they will often find it difficult to articulate. I often ask, “tell me about a good memory that you have of a time you had together, or something that you remember that stands out for you?” Amazingly enough there are always good memories.

I then will ask them, between our sessions to go out and create a good memory. At least one per week. Now once again, be creative. Think outside the box! Some examples, surprise your partner by leaving a note on his/her pillow for 7 days to tell him/her what you love about them. Make a candlelight dinner. Go and ask the lady next door if you can have some of her old rose heads and pluck the petals and spread them over the bed and put candles all around the bedroom. Buy 2 tickets to the AFL and surprise your partner by joining them at the game. I have a fond memory of my late husband, out of the blue, setting the dining table with beautiful yellow roses, candles and cold champagne on ice. He had baked a smoked trout with vegetables in the oven for dinner and bought a mud cake for dessert. Now to some, that mightn’t seem much…but this beautiful man in all the years we had been together had never so much as boiled an egg for me, and romance was not something that he did. That memory was special to me from that time on. Needless to say we had a beautiful night of showing each other how much we love one another. As human beings we all have the capacity to focus on the positive rather than the negative, and when we do focus on the positive, we not only learn and understand more about the other person, but we learn more about ourselves.

“We are all connected, we are never alone, we all on this journey together.”