Are you aware that every time you talk to yourself you are in fact hypnotising yourself. What is your internal chatter telling you? Is it positive or negative? Are you speaking to yourself from a place of love, acceptance, acknowledgement and kindness or are you criticising and judging yourself and telling yourself you are not good enough in some way.
Every time you speak, have a thought, and feel emotions you are downloading a program for success or failure, this is because your words and thoughts provide direct suggestions to you unconscious mind. 1Every thought you have affects how you feel, which in turn affects your behaviour.
It goes without saying that if your self-talk is negative, it will undermine your confidence and therefore you may put off trying something new, be held back from stepping out of your comfort zone or procrastinating which therefore impacts whether you will be motivated to take action. You are doing self-hypnosis to fail.
Likewise, if your self-talk is positive and uplifting you will likely try new things believing that they will be fun, easy and you will give it a go regardless. This will boost your confidence.
Many of us are unaware of our self-talk and yet we do it all day. How many times have you told yourself, partner or children – “I just can’t do this today.” Well that might be true that you have other more important things to attend to, but you could tell yourself, “I choose not to do this today because I have other priorities.” Can’t is a word that needs to be removed from your dialogue.
2Research suggests people who use positive self-talk may develop emotional intelligence and mental skills that enable them to solve problems, be more resourceful and manage personal adversity and challenges. We must flip the script from the negative self-talk that destabilizes and impairs our capacity to achieve and deal with challenges.
We all have unrealised potential within us and have the capacity to tap into the resources we already have. Have you ever tried something and actually realised it wasn’t that difficult after all, and did you notice that by stepping up and out of your safe space and comfort zone that you have potential to achieve.
What is ‘confidence?’ – The Oxford language states it is “the feeling or belief that one can have faith in or rely on someone or something.” Further to this it reflects your level of belief and worth in yourself.
In my view there is no doubt that there is and inextricable link between confidence and competence. I remember as a child, I wanted to have singing lessons and learn to sing. My mother refused to allow me to take singing lessons or pay for singing lessons, because it was her view that I did not believe I had any capability or skill. I held this belief for some years and therefore had no confidence. When I was 25 years of age, I decided that I still wanted to sing and took some singing lessons for a couple of years. I practiced almost every day. I took my lessons seriously. I began to build confidence in my abilities and then joined a band. I eventually built confidence to sing and sing on stage.
1Dr Grubacevic states, “Sometimes we can confuse confidence with competence. Confidence is an emotion, while competence relates to our level of skill and ability. Both confidence and competence are important for success in life.” As with my singing with confidence and competence experience. I had to learn the skill and develop my ability and in doing so, became more confident. I could have continued the negative program that I had learnt as a child but made a choice to change my belief system and programming and step out of my comfort zone.
Where is your self-talk holding you back? There may be some areas of your life that you have confidence and there may be other’s that you lack entirely or have some confidence.
I pose this question to you…
Regarding your career/business; family; relationships; finances; health; friendships; and self-care (or any other priority area):
Where are you confident in these areas? Write them down and on a scale from 0 to 10 (10 being confident)?
For all of these areas you have chosen, try to recall what you have been telling yourself? What has your self-talk been?
For example:
- I love cooking and will do it all the time, I read recipe books for pleasure, I love shopping for food, I eat healthy. On the confidence scale in cooking as part of my self-care I scale myself an 8. I know I would like to develop my skills in baking cakes, pastries etc. On most days my self-talk is – I am a good cook; I find it pleasurable to feed others; This is a great self-care strategy for me. My positive self-talk is I can develop the necessary skills to bake cakes and pastries.
- In the area of finances, on the confidence scale I would scale myself a 4. I can save money and have a budget plan, but don’t always stick to it. I know nothing about superannuation, tax leverage and investing. My negative self-talk is – I have failed this week because I didn’t put extra money away for savings. I just don’t understand taxation and I will always have to pay someone to do it. I will not have enough money to retire. (Note: I am working to increase my confidence and competence in this area and change my beliefs around money). My new self-talk is – I save money for my future; money comes to me easily and effortlessly; I am abundant. I have all the resources within me to learn to manage my money effectively.
Strategies for challenging your negative self-talk:
- When I have a thought about the past that is not relevant to my present, I will thank my unconscious mind and tell it that I don’t need to hear this right now or focus on it. When you continue to be aware of the negative self-talk you may begin to notice, your thoughts disappear more quickly to the point that you can’t even recall what the thought was.
- Remember your thoughts are not facts. Ask yourself whether this is really true. Find a positive affirmation or statement to replace it.
- Remember your negative self-talk is an opportunity for you to affirm that you can face any challenge and learn from it. If an event occurs that challenges you. Tell yourself that this problem is momentary and you have the capacity to resolve it.
Some positive automatic thoughts to replace the negative self-talk:
3According to Rick Ingram and Kathy Wisnicki (1988), some more examples of positive automatic thoughts include:
- “I am respected by my peers.”
- “I have a good sense of humor.”
- “My future looks bright.”
- “I will be successful.”
- “I’m fun to be with.”
- “I am in a great mood.”
- “There are many people who care about me.”
- “I’m proud of my accomplishments.”
- “I will finish what I start.”
- “I have many good qualities.”
- “I am comfortable with life.”
- “I have a good way with others.”
- “I am a lucky person.”
- “I have friends who support me.”
- “Life is exciting.”
- “I enjoy a challenge.”
- “My social life is terrific.”
- “There’s nothing to worry about.”
- “I’m so relaxed.”
- “My life is running smoothly.”
- “I’m happy with the way I look.”
- “I take good care of myself.”
- “I deserve the best in life.”
- “Bad days are rare.”
- “I have many useful qualities.”
- “There is no problem that is hopeless.”
- “I won’t give up.”
- “I state my opinions with confidence.”
- “My life keeps getting better.”
- “Today I’ve accomplished a lot.”
Tracee-Lee (author of this blog) is owner and founder of Tracee-Lee Transformation Coach and is a Certified Hypnotherapist, NLP and Time LineTM Therapist and coach. If you would like to work on changing your self-talk to positive talk and behaviours.
Contact her on: traceeleecoaching@gmail.com.
Book a FREE Discovery call to discuss how she can help you.
References:
- Dr Grubacevic, V. 2014. “Stop Sabotaging your confidence: How to Transform Self-Sabotage into Lasting Confidence & Success.” Australia.
- Kerr, J. 2023. “When your Self-Talk is killing performance, flip the script.” https://inc.com/james-kerr/when-your-self-talk-is-killing-performance-flip-the-script.html
- https://positivepsychology.com/challenging-automatic-thoughts-positive-thoughts-worksheets/
