How To Enhance The Connection And Relationship With Your Adolescent!

There is no doubt that parenting is one of the most rewarding and one of the most challenging roles we have as parents and/or caregivers! Do you recall how your experience of being parented affected you? It makes absolute sense that many of us then develop our own beliefs about how we want to parent our children, based on our own experiences.

As a parent, grandparent, and with over 20 years of experience working as a youth worker, support worker with families, a parenting program facilitator, working in the best interests of children, and now a professional coach – I have witnessed the struggles, trials, and tribulations that parents and adolescents have in managing this stage of development. I have certainly faced many challenges myself as a parent of 2 adolescents, and now 5 grandchildren who are now adolescents.

I realize that the adolescent period begins at the beginning of puberty onward, and this may vary depending on the individual young person. In my program, ‘Personal Mastery for Emerging Adults: Transition from school to independence,’ I refer to this period as one where adolescents are dealing with social and physical changes but are not fully engaged or prepared for the adult world. Even though, they our adolescents will tell you that they are an adult. I have based this term, ² Emerging Adults on research from Dr. Jeffrey Jensen Arnett Ph.D. (1995), a renowned Professor of Psychology who stated, that this period (18 years to 25 years) of emerging adulthood, is neither adolescence nor young adulthood but is distinct from them both. Emerging adulthood is distinguished by relative independence from social roles and from normative expectations. Having left the dependency of childhood and adolescence and have not yet entered the enduring responsibilities that are normative (standards/norm) in adulthood, emerging adults often explore a variety of possible life directions in love, work, and worldviews. Emerging adulthood is a time of life when many different directions remain possible when little about the future has been decided for certain when the scope of independent exploration of life’s possibilities is greater for most people than it will be at any other period of life course. More generally, the term emerging captures the dynamic, changeable, fluid quality of the period.”

It is my view that there are many adolescents who are troubled due to a range of reasons, and some do get into trouble, but there are many adolescents who navigate this developmental stage and come out the other side as a functional adults. There are always explanations and reasons for why some young people do not become out-of-control adolescents, as those that do, and the parent-to-child relationship does not have to decline during this period of ‘change.’

As adults, it can be an awakening when we adjust our communication style with our adolescents. Our young person will rebel, throw tantrums, and let you know that they won’t be treated like a child. They need acceptance with open, loving, and respectful communication – whilst they are pushing boundaries to find out who they are, and what we will or will not tolerate. “Adolescents are traversing the rocky terrain between dependence and interdependence.” (Siegel, 2013 as cited in Cohen, 2019). As adults, we must remember that our young people will come through this period, albeit lacking the ease and grace we may hope they have to navigate this period in their life.

I remember a time when Miss 14-year-old was staying at a friend’s house, and mum was woken up by a phone call from the police at 3 am in morning. A parent’s worst nightmare. Police advised the mother that someone had purchased alcohol for these young people and her daughter was passed out on the footpath. The mother advised she was fearful that her daughter may have seriously harmed herself and realized it was not the time for berating her daughter’s poor choices. However, consequences were dished out for her lack of honesty about what she had pre-planned with her friend, when she was supposed to be watching movies at her friend’s home with adult supervision was appropriate.

I think for some parents (total generalization), we have become what I term, ‘helicopter parents’ – hovering over our children and becoming over-involved in everything they do. Directing and controlling, as opposed to supporting them to take responsibility for their choices, not allowing them the opportunity to learn from their mistakes, or allowing them, and supporting them to learn how to problem solve on their own. As a parent/caregiver, it is our role to be clear in our communication as to what we will do rather than demanding that they do as they are told. This clear communication, modeling, and teaching them to think for themselves can only ever lead to strengthening the relationship and creating space for trust and love, which gives them a reference point to recall throughout their challenges and successes.

It is natural during this developmental stage for adolescents to test limits and thwart their parents’ values and beliefs. It is our role to understand their uniqueness with love and acceptance. We still need to support and recognize that they need us, but in a different way. We cannot stop the influences they come up against when they are out of the family unit – technology, social media, peers, school, relationships, dating, or power struggles.

Cohen (2019) states, “If parents can manage their own emotions, behave respectfully, offer appropriate freedom, privacy and choices, maintain intimacy and open, constructive communication, then parenting an adolescent can be a rewarding joyful experience.” Unfortunately, many of us make the mistake of using our entitlement as a parent to use power and control. In all my years of working with families and adolescents, I have never seen this enhanced connection and relationship with adolescents. This is not to say we shouldn’t hold them accountable for their choices, despite their ranting and raving that we are to blame, or it is not their fault, it is others that made them do it, or that we are the cause of all their problems.

As adults we are overwhelmed and challenged by our young people, not being the child, we thought we had raised – because they are dealing with social and emotional changes, pushing boundaries, and wanting to be more independent, which is their appropriate age and stage of development as an emerging adult. Our young people are also feeling stressed and overwhelmed and trying to make sense of their emotions, identity, social media, peers, and dating. Then added to this exposure to media, alcohol and other drugs, sex, violence, bullying, and pornography.

It is our adolescent’s role to develop into an independent adults and it is our role as parents to support them through this process, as challenging as it can be. It is still our role to assert our parental authority. If our relationship with our emerging adults is less than optimal, they can feel alone and unsupported by their parents. ¹These young people who feel they are not accepted, don’t belong are not supported, or felt cared for are likely to develop mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, drug abuse, self-harm and become sexually promiscuous, and sadly suicide. Positive and assertive parenting requires that we meet our children’s emotional needs at every age and stage of their development. There is always an opportunity to change this relationship, and form a healthy, trusting, and open connection with our young person. They will absorb all the messages we give them, even if we believe they don’t. If you send the message that you believe they are capable, responsible, and lovable and you articulate that you expect the best from them they are more likely to demonstrate this to you.

Relationships really matter to your adolescent, although the time your adolescent wants to spend with you decreases, and their social life becomes more important to them. They still require your love, affection, and support. It is perfectly normal for them to not want to talk at times or be moody. Although your adolescent present as if they don’t want you to be around, they do.

When we help our adolescents be interdependent, they are able to balance being guided and supported, whilst being free to explore relationships outside the family unit. As a parent, I felt total rejection of my child throughout this journey as I didn’t quite understand where my compliant, creative, and happy little girl went. Knowing what I know now, I could have been a more supportive parent rather than an authoritarian – demanding compliance with my rules and severe consequences for her behavior. The importance of being a parent is having strong, loving family relationships. Dr. Anna Cohen (2019) states “strong relationships between young people and their parents, as rated by both, is positively correlated with general happiness, academic success, and social cohesion.”

As parents, we can shut down our children’s communication. Punishment tells your child that you don’t understand them, don’t support their growth and wellbeing, and that they don’t matter. Punishment impacts their sense of self and self-esteem. I know as a parent that I had a lot of repair work to do with my daughter to build her trust and love again when our relationship was disintegrating. I learned that negotiation and choice were the key, rather than saying ‘no’ or interrogating because of my fears of her not being safe and able to handle situations.

Cohen (2019) asserts that she has “seen lots of families create healthy boundaries for their teen by teaching three core values: be respectful, keep safe and stay in touch” and “these are the foundations of all expectations.” This is not to say that your adolescent will stop doing the boundary-breaking behavior but keeps the door open for ongoing boundary conversations and communication.

References

1              Cohen, A. (2019). “Taming Teens: The Adolescent Years,” Hybrid Publishers. Melbourne, Victoria.

2              Jensen-Arnett, J. (1995) Emerging Adulthood: A Theory of Development from the Late Teens Through the Twenties. American Psychologist May 2000.